


Sorting

by OtakuTitan1412



Series: Harry Potter and the Fullmetal AlCrackmist [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Drabble Collection, Edward Elric Swears, Tropes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:37:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24530164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OtakuTitan1412/pseuds/OtakuTitan1412
Summary: Ed gets sorted into the Hogwarts Houses. No one is happy with the arrangement. (Drabbles!)
Series: Harry Potter and the Fullmetal AlCrackmist [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1772803
Comments: 8
Kudos: 64





	1. Gryffindor

The hat settled on Edward’s head, covering his eyes and ears and, consequently, cutting off the outside world. 

_ What… are you?  _ Ed jumped as the hat did what hat’s shouldn’t be able to do: speak. 

“Is this a soul-bonded hat?!” Ed yelled, jumping to his feet but not removing the long out-of-fashion wad of cloth. 

_ Ah, yes, I see now!  _ It continued on, ignoring him.  _ Brave enough to stand up for an old codger like me, better be,  _ GRYFFINDOR _!  _

It took a moment to realize the hat had spoken out loud, for it’s volume in his head had been rising too. 

The emerald-robed cat lady plucked the hat from his head to continue the sorting, obviously expecting Edward to run towards the red and gold table loudly cheering for him. 

“Fuck you guys! This is insane, immoral, and cruel and unusual punishment! That hat is a person, whose been trapped in that hat for who knows how long, and all you  _ idiots  _ use him for is mind reading and organizing?!” Ed ranted, and the applause waned until it was only one person clapping. It kept on for a few moments, before they caught the idea and slowed to a stop. 

“Fuck you! Fuck all’a y’all!” Ed backed out of the Great Hall, middle fingers extended upwards. The cluster of first years parted like the red sea, and when he reached the doors, they sprung apart, as if unwilling to be a part of anything he said. As he passed over the room’s threshold, the enormous doors swung shut with a resounding slam. 

The great hall was silent. 

A first year coughed. 

A third year Hufflepuff sneezed. 

“Carrying on,” McGonagall said clearly, her voice echoing in the silent hall. “Finch, Bethany!” 

The sorting continued, even as Severus Snape slipped out to round up the unruly Gryffindor. Indubitably, the next day began with negative points for Gryffindor House, Snape in a fouler mood than usual, and a golden-haired student wearing a red coat instead of the normal red and gold tie. 


	2. Hufflepuff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ed gets sorted into Hufflepuff. There is no such thing as a fourth wall.

_ I see, I see, _ the Hat spoke in his mind.  _ Not quite honest, but loyal to his brother above all else, a bond that can never be broken, a person you would give everything to protect. Better be  _ HUFFLEPUFF _! _

Ed grumbled as he made his way to the cheering table, and sat down. Ignoring the first years- younger than him, but almost his height- he looked around at the table. There was no food yet, but the plates and cutlery were polished and looked as if they had never been used. Ed took a closer look at the students. Their eyes were glassy and their movements robotic. 

“The hell?” Ed whispered. “No wonder no one ever puts me in this house. They’re glorified dolls! They have so little development that they’re just robots dreaming of being people! This is fucked up!!!” 

“Sit down, Mister Elric,” sneered Severus from the High Table. “No one wants to hear the complaints of a Hufflepuff.” 

“Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders!” Piped up the entire house in a creepy, monotone chorus. They grinned, teeth shiny and white and as wide as Truth’s, and Ed bolted from the Great Hall. 

He ran out of the castle and never came back. 


	3. Slytherin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ed gets sorted into Slytherin

_ Ooo, ambitious, _ the Hat projected as it settled onto his head.  _ And cunning to boot. There is no better fit for a person like this than  _ SLYTHERIN _! _

“Pshh, lame,” Ed growled as his red coat dyed itself green. “Green sucks. You stuck up posers suck. You’re all lame and you can all go to hell.”

As he trudged over to the Slytherin table the Dumbledore spoke up. “There is no need for such language, especially in this setting, young Mister Elric.”

Ed froze, and there was a moment of deadly silence as he spun around, and promptly screamed, “WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SMALL! I’LL RIP OFF YOUR BEARD AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS! I’M SIX-FUCKING-TEEN DAMN IT YOU DAMN FOUR-EYED STICK-WAVING WEIRDO!” and other such insults. Snape and Hagrid, in a rare moment of teamwork, caught Edward as he threw himself forward and dragged him, flailing from the hall. 

Very few Slytherins ever saw fit to talk to him outside of required class time, which was just as well because that was just the way Edward wanted it. 


	4. Ravenclaw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ed gets sorted into Ravenclaw. I almost forgot everything I touch turns into crack and then the ending happened.

The entirety of the great hall collectively startled as the Sorting Hat let out a high shriek. Dumbledore stood, concern apparent in his unusually untwinkling eyes, and McGonagall rushed forward, but stopped as Edward shoved a hand in her direction. 

“Just give it a sec, Professor, Truth is a startling sight for anyone. Even soul-bonded hats, I guess.” 

_ My apologies, Mister Elric _ , the hat metaphorically breathed.  _ I have no doubt in my mind, the place to put a knowledge-seeker like yourself is _ RAVENCLAW _!  _

A shell-shocked McGonagall collected the hat from Edward’s head, and he flipped his golden braid over his shoulder as he strutted to the house of the wise. 

The moment he settled down, his housemates immediately shuffled and scooched away from his position on the bench, leaving a bubble of emptiness around him. Ed raised an eyebrow as a misty-eyed girl with white-blonde hair drifted over and settled in front of him as a dandelion seed might alight to it’s rest. 

“Hullo, Edward,” she said dreamily. “I must say, it’s rare to see you end up in Ravenclaw.” 

“Sup, Luna,” he replied. “It really shouldn’t be, where the fuck else should someone so thirsty for knowledge as to have seen Truth end up?” Edward turned to face the camera, his golden eyes boring into yours. “I am severely disappointed in the lack of Ravenclaw!me fanfictions. Alchemy comes from science. BEING SMART IS MY GREATEST STRENGTH. Like what the fuck, guys?” 

The candles in the great hall guttered in an invisible breeze. 

“Hmm, and I was so sure the chapter was supposed to end there,” mused Luna. “That fourth wall break ended in a snappy hook, so it seemed like the end, and yet the world still exists.” 

Edward stared soulfully at Luna. “Did you know that I learned alchemy not for my mother’s sake, but for myself? The books were there so I learned and only after I started practicing did I realize it made her happy.” 

Luna nodded and patted the alchemist’s back. “There, there, Edward, I’m sure the emotions are for story-related reasons and should wear off soon.” 

“Damn it!” Ed’s mood swung abruptly. “I’m also creative! That’s a Ravenclaw thing, y’know? I’m here! It’s a good fit! But in sortings, some of my strengths aren’t acknowledged. I get shoehorned into Gryffindor and Slytherin. Well, I’m done! You here me, authors?! Use some Truth-damned creativity when writing me!” 

As if sensing that it may have offended the audience, the world ended as it was supposed to before things got dragged out and awkward: by Father turning the entire globe into a transmutation circle and the Earth imploding under the strain. Father was left to float out in space like that one guy in Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure until the inevitable heat-death of the universe. 

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to keep each sorting unique, yell at me in the comments if I did well or failed or whatever.


End file.
